All My Dreams are Ripped Away from Me. Pt.2 And So It Begins.

• All My Dreams are Ripped Away from Me. Pt.2  And So It Begins.

And then there is nothing, all is hallowed and void. Yet within the darkness of this nothingness, that void, a spark flares briefly in the dark. In moments the spark flares again only brighter, then again it sparks brighter and brighter. As if a heartbeat of light begins to pulse out of darkness, the void begins to lighten up with this spark as bright as ten suns in a matter of moments that stretches within infinity. And it is good. 

Within the empty void that grows a pulsing heartbeat of light, energy begins to flow like etheric blood coursing through a body. The warmth of the light and etheric blood circulating in the void is cozy, and nurturing, and rages fiercely.  

As if brought back from the brink, my emptied husk breathes in a gasp of air straight into my hallowed soul. The pulsing and circulating light pulses as one in a magnificent moment of growth as Life begins to course through the veins with a brilliance of light that surges, courses, and burns brightly. I can feel the radiance of the etheric heartbeat, and blood seeps out through my skin that I think, initially, are the flames meant to destroy me. Instead as this wave of brilliance surges and rages through me, I get stronger and more present at the moment and more present in myself. I flex my renewed muscular self with this coursing brilliance, and I hear this loud crack and my earth prison disappears as the brilliance pushes and stretches outwards. I am free, and another unusual thing that picks up the moment that my prison breaks away; is that my vision returns to me even though I know that my eyes are still gone. Once I am finally able to see again, I notice that the chamber is enamored in a white golden shimmering light, causing the crystals of the walls and the sapphire pillars to refract brightly about the room. 

I see the woman standing there; she is a near mirror image of myself. In perfect and divine love though; along with a surprising feeling that I am feeling a hyper-focused rage; and a surge of divine fire, I assume a martial art stance for both offense and defense. It does not surprise me that as I rest in this position a sword of flames manifests in my hands, and I naturally switch to a Kendo offensive stance to reflect the attaining a sword.  

“So here you are at last! I was wondering how far it would take for ‘You’ to finally come out. You nearly were destroyed before you would finally come to the truth! It’s a pleasure to see you for who you are!” She exclaims as she looks directly at me. 

“You nearly destroyed me,” I say but notice that my voice is melodious and tickly rich in angelic chorus. My body hums and vibrates symphonies of harmony, over and undertones of triumph, holy battle cries, laments of defeat, and crescendos of returns. “I gave in because I knew that I was beaten, and you were right. But that doesn’t excuse tearing me apart to make this point! Has it not occurred to you that I needed to be asleep?” I sing in loud harmonies. every atom in this light body is in tune, and they sing with epic tales of the fight to come. 

“Of course… but you need to awaken now; its nearly time to shatter the illusions, and be what is needed!” She replies.  

“Then we know what must be done. We know what this moment is, you know the stakes and I can only guess!” I sing in notes of finality. The movement of the chorus changes, and without hesitation I charge at her with my sword in a power swing position. She dodges the sword and we start fighting relentlessly. Each blow we make is an explosion of light that shakes the chamber. The fight rages on for what seems to be hours and the two of us are evenly matched. But at one point she speeds behind me and shouts “Enough!” and Ki pushes me outside of the chamber. The doors slam shut on me as I am expelled from the journey, and I wake up back in the ritual circle. 

***

I feel the heaviness of my physical body as I slam back into myself. What an experience I have witnessed. But something is terribly wrong. I can’t see, and I feel hot, and I am so devoid of emotions that I am confused; not frightened or stressed out.  it takes an hour to be able to see colors and semi-crisp shapes again. When I feel ready to stand again, my wife helps me out of the chair and we speak to the priestess who led the ritual.

The first thing I notice is a slightly heightened situational awareness about me that is telling me that already half of the circle is already gone home for the night. The other half of the circle is a mix of thanking the priestess for another successful night and looking directly at me as I pass. 

When I walk up to the priestess, aided by the wife, the priestess asks what happened. I recount the event to the best of my knowledge. She takes a moment to let the tale sink in and when she speaks she criticizes me for going to the Underworld instead of the Lower-World like she told the circle to do. After another pause she asks if I am ok: I tell her that I can’t see all that well, and I feel hot. She explains that everyone in the circle has taken no more than ten minutes to do what was suggested; and that I had taken about an hour before I snapped out of it. She continues to explain that while I was under, the energies peaked far more than she’s felt before. They saw me begin to turn red and feel the heat radiate off of me. There have been several instances thereafter where they were tempted to pull me out of the trance, but they figure that it would be better if I come out on my own.

That night after we return home and head to bed, my eyesight comes back a little more. Before I become too tired for any more of this consciousness thing for the night, I examine my selenite wand. I understand what I saw is quite the ordeal that I went through, and the energies I faced peaked highly. And as I examine the wand I not only pay close attention to how it is cracked but also note how the energies are not flowing as freely and are darkened in a few areas. 

When I ask my wife about the wand and the journey I undertook, she mentions that the selenite crystal cracked while I was in the trance. I set the wand down on the nightstand and sigh with resignation. The wand had indeed died that night. I feel the tears for all I have gone through beginning to burn my eyes. but for how much I want to cry, I can’t. I simply go to bed.

It is October 2010, I am twenty-seven years old. 

I don’t know it at first, and it honestly doesn’t occur to me; but in that journey, I just watched myself be torn apart, and hallowed out before I accept the inevitability of the death of me, my end. I don’t know what to make of what happens afterward; for all that I’ve seen seems weird and farfetched. But what happened in that journey was a warning that I never heard, and outside the trance, it is an outcome I am too frightened of, and won’t see coming. For not long after this ritual journey, my life takes a turn I am warned of, but in the remain hubris I hold onto, I never see it coming. 

***